Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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