It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
