I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
