I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
