I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
