and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
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Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
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you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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