I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
