i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Still dying that you shit outside
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
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