y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I will die if light touches me.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
