She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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