you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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