Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
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I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
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Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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