Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
