he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
