he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
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george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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