i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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