my mouth tastes like poor choices
wanna go halves on a baby?
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
