I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
