Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
