All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
