i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
