I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
