My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
