My girlfriend figured out who you are.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
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there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
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Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God