I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
