Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
