im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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