I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
