Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
