Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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