It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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