God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
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I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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