I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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