If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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