i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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