We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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