It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
My feet surprised me
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
