i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
