Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(248): View more from Michigan

It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.

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(248): It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks. http://tfl.nu/2y97

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(806): View more from Texas

Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.

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(806): Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day. http://tfl.nu/6xwz

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(317): View more from Indiana

We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.

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(317): We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us. http://tfl.nu/q48d

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.

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(617): we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life. http://tfl.nu/dy8h

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(989): View more from Michigan

I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.

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(989): I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic. http://tfl.nu/vt43

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(970): View more from Colorado

Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives

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(970): Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives http://tfl.nu/k0eh

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(631): View more from New York

Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.

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(631): Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick. http://tfl.nu/pj3f

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(303): View more from Colorado

theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...

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(303): theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner... http://tfl.nu/glgi

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(276): View more from Virginia

You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.

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(276): You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat. http://tfl.nu/s2nm

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(604): View more from British Columbia

As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.

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(604): As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck. http://tfl.nu/89l5

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(870): View more from Arkansas

Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.

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(870): Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic. http://tfl.nu/y3t4

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.

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(715): I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great. http://tfl.nu/f48j

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(913): View more from Kansas

The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.

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(913): The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops. http://tfl.nu/e530

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer

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(306): All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer http://tfl.nu/jur4

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(541): View more from Oregon

next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME

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(541): next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME http://tfl.nu/v34b

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