This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
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You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
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I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.