i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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