the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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