Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
