There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
