So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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