Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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