I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
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