so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
