It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
