I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
