i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
