y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
it's not cheating when I paid for it
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
