So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
