Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
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