Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
