We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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