Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
