this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
