Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
