Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
